Adjusting . . .

Well, I'm back I guess. I've been avoiding writing as I've been adjusting to the idea of new things to come. Avoiding with the thought that maybe if I did not digest what was starting this June 24th, then maybe, it would delay the inevitable feeling of inadequacy.

You may think I sound pretty down at this point. I wouldn't say down, just flat- a little deflated. I had my first day as a doctor in charge of my own patients. I was terrified and I wasn't the only one because all the other interns had this glazed over look, jaws clenched, and trembling hands just as I did. No one tells you that giving Tylenol to a patient for the first time would be a big deal- but it is. Everything we learn in pathology and how Tylenol-at the wrong dose, in the wrong person- is toxic to the liver. This knowledge puts a twinge of fear in the heart because of the possibility that though the patient merely wants relief from a headache- I'm terrified I'll put them in liver failure.

So why am I deflated? Ah, maybe its because I spent 4 years busting my butt (pardon the french if Grandma's reading this;) and trying to learn as much as possible for all of it to fly out the window on the way to work. This left me with a great big vacant space to draw upon when I was asked any question today. I guess we all want to be excellent physicians but they make us do at least 3 years of residency so we actually feel confident in doing so and so that our vacant space gets filled up again.

I hope my next post is positive- in the meantime pray that the great black hole called my brain will remember something the next time AND that my hands would stop trembling at the idea of giving Tylenol:)